So, as I am sat here staring at a blank page in a Word Document, there are so many things that I want to type but I am afraid of the consequences.
There are words that you cannot say for fear of hurting someone, or scaring someone, or inadvertently giving hope in words, which to you, mean nothing, but to them mean everything. And then there are things you want to say, but you know you shouldn’t.
My friend, (“Stars” – excuse the girly name for a male) has gone away travelling now. He promised that he would, when he could, find a computer and check my site. Whether he will or won’t, I’ll maintain that he does and I’ll write keeping him in the midst of my thoughts. I know he’s not that far away, and I like to wonder of all the new sights that he is seeing (including all the Ladyboy’s in Thailand), of all the new experiences he is living and I cannot wait for his return to hear all the stories.
It’s been fun hanging out with Stars, it made a change to be able to relax around someone completely, saying things you wouldn’t normally say to somebody else because he’s going away for over six months. Admittedly, I’ll miss him, but what is the point of worrying when I know that it won’t be the last time that I see him? There are things that I wish I’d said, only now it is too late. But this isn’t a bad thing, because when you say something, that is it, you cannot take it back, it’s still there hanging in the air, and it could be something that you eventually regret.
When he comes back, I predict that there will be a sort of shift. We’ll both have grown up that bit more, changed physically and mentally, we will be at different points in our lives, with different aspirations and beliefs because as much as some of us try not to accept this, time does change you. You aren’t constantly one whole person. As you grow, you learn, you mould and you adjust to the new surroundings and situations, whether it is moving on to becoming more independant in University or having to ward off over-excited market tradesmen in Malaysia.
In proving foresight may be vain;
The best laid schemes o’ Mice an’ Men,
Gang aft agley,
An’ lea’e us nought but grief an’ pain,
For promis’d joy!
In six months time, you honestly cannot know where you will be or what you will be doing. Yes, you can predict and dream, but you cannot possibly know hard stone-cold fact because, God forbid, you might just be dead. Just saying that makes me realise how precious this changing time is. You will never be able to live June 12th, 2008 again. That’s one day out of a limitless calendar that spirals on and on that will never return. We should appreciate this time given to us, but really, how many of us actually “live each day as if it is our last”?
You can never get those minutes back; you can only recall them with a poignant fondness, but what is the use of looking into the past, when you have this vast expanse of future ahead of you?
There is no way of planning your life chunk by variable chunk, no matter how hard you try. You can scheme and plot, arrange and fantasise, but you can never tell how you will behave in and react to a situation, until you are there. And this is where you learn. It is said that when you are travelling, you learn a lot about who you are. Seeing as I intend to spend the majority of my life travelling, I hope to die whole. I’ve talked about this “puzzle” before, this massive enigmatic jigsaw that you cannot possibly hope to complete on a rainy Sunday afternoon with your grandparents. No, you have to go out and live each minute and learn everything your near-saturated brain can absorb. For instance, right now I have learned that by not having any food at break-time makes me very hungry during fourth lesson, hence my concentration dilapidates and I have to re-read what I have written nth times over and over to remind myself what it is I am talking about.
But these consequences, there is nothing you can do to prevent them. You will always hurt someone, scare someone and give false hope to someone, it’s the way we deal with these situations that is indicative of who we are. Be considerate to other people, but don’t worry too much about it because together, as one, we are all growing, learning, loving and living.
When Stars and I meet again, whenever that is, wherever that is, I hope that I have learned and lived that little bit more, as I am undoubtedly sure, he has.
S.E.M
